I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
