Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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