I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
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Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
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We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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