why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
