I think I won the penis lottery.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
