i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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