I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
