I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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