Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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