The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
