Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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