oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
