Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
