I just threw up on my dentist
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
