omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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