That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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