Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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