so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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