I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
they're like a gay fantastic four
ttyl tear gas
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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