i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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