i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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