Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
