So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
