Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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