All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
