Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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