Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
