FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
