I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
