I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
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Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
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I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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