Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
