why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
