woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
