I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
