Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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