I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
