ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Who died my cat blue again?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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