just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
