I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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