allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
