I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
