If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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