This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
