I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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