I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
