Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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