how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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