I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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