I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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