the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
