She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
