I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
