mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
