There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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