Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
