He had one of those small greek statue penises
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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