Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
