I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You're so nebulous sometimes
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
