my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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