You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
