I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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