i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
